To be honest, I’ve been umm’ing and ahh’ing about whether to write a post like this or not… I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate because it is quite personal but now that I’m in a positive mind state, I realised that this post would not only help to close a chapter of my life but it might help someone else out there too.
The end of 2014 was rather odd for me; as those who read my blog will know, I became a single lady after being in a relationship with someone for (technically) 5.6 years. Having been with that person since I was 17, and in a relationship before that for 2.5 years with someone from the age of 14, I’ll be honest that I didn’t actually know how to function as an individual adult lol. Immediately after the break-up I didn’t speak to that person for weeks, I became used to not talking with them or seeing them until I emailed them in the hope for full closure; it can be difficult to go cold turkey with someone after such a long time of them being in your life, it’s like they dropped off the face of the earth or died. Part of me wanted to know that I wasn’t the only one feeling hurt and lonely, the other part wondered if there was something more to the sudden break-up and just wanted closure; during the email exchanges, I discovered that I was to hear nothing different than what I already knew.
I went through all the emotions I can think of – sadness, anger, hurt, sickness, paranoia, fear, anxiety, guilt, happiness; my poor brother didn’t know what ‘stage of grief’ I was at. Thankfully the ‘grief’ part didn’t last too long, I think after everything that had happened there was always a part of me that knew it wasn’t going to work out; when I would talk to others, I would be so logical about it and people wondered why I was not listening to myself. My brain would be disconnected from my heart at the time, then when it really came to it the heart kicked into action and made it so much harder to deal with. It had been clear to me for a long time that we had both changed dramatically from who we were when we first connected; we no longer held the same interests, we no longer opened up to each other which made us oblivious to the separation in the path we had previously walked together. I think part of me felt so invested that after so long it would be a waste to throw it away, that after everything there had to be far more than what we had discovered together already; unfortunately I was blind to the fact that just because you have put a lot of time and effort into something does not mean it will work out if you continue to hold onto it.
We probably had the best break-up that anyone breaking up could ask for; I originally broke up with that person because they decided to move far away with (what felt like to me) little consideration for our 5 year relationship which I thought by that point would’ve resulted in a step forward together. After time apart, I felt like I had made a mistake; we spent months trying to reconcile but in the end, regardless of how we felt, it just wasn’t going to work. Again, I can’t be certain that I know the whole truth as to why we broke up from their side since they initiated the discussion that ended it, just that we were on different paths and the stress was too much for the other person who was trying to adapt to their new life; we agreed to go our separate ways to prevent further hurt in the future.
At first whenever I got hurt or angry over what had happened, I would rant and lash out but I quickly realised that nothing will ever change what happened or how it happened; I’m not one for believing in fate, just that things are out of our control and will or will not happen regardless. We weren’t right for each other, at one point in time maybe but if I’m honest that was quite far back in the relationship; one way to look at it now though is that we did provide an immense amount of support and training for one another, which will prepare us for our next relationship. We will learn from our mistakes and work harder on our flaws that failed us the last time; at some point we will both find someone who will make us happy the way we once wished we would make each other.
Despite the things that once made me angry towards that person, I will now say that ‘I forgive you’. I forgive you for the anger, sadness and hurt you brought me in our final hours; I forgive you for all the other times that you caused me hurt or anxiety whilst we were together. I hold no grudges against you, will forever hold your secrets that you entrusted me with.
I would also like to say I am sorry for all the times I caused you any ill-feeling or held you back from living the life you wanted.
I am thankful for the times we spent together and thankful for everything you taught me; I am thankful for your support in my darkest and most irrational times for which I know there were many of, and that you always tried to show me that I could be more than what society expects of me. I am thankful that you were in my life and that the majority of the memories are happy, funny ones – thank you for all the good that you brought me.
I’ve realised that I’ve moved on pretty well, I cannot speak for the other party as I have not been in contact with them since and know nothing of their current life; I for one have [some] new people(?) in my life who are bringing me lots of joy at the moment, and my friends continue to support me and bring me positive energy. I’ve done all I can do to get ahead on the healing process, I’ve cut the final strings that tied us together; now all I can do is focus on me and my life. I have a lot to look forward to and nothing to hold me back; I am excited to grow as an individual person now that I have the opportunity, I won’t go looking for love but when it happens, it happens and I will welcome it with open arms no matter how near or far in the future it is.
Nearly everyone will experience a break-up in some form at least once in their life, and no matter how long you were with the other person or who broke-up with who, it can still be soul-crushing for both parties (unless someone was cheating obviously). When all is said and done, it is time to move on with your life – here are some helpful tips to get over that someone you thought was going to be yours forever:
Try to remember why they are your ex – I know it can be hard sometimes to remember this when you have not long broke up and they were your entire world, but when a relationship doesn’t work out there is always a reason why. Even if you were the person who got dumped and thought everything was fine, you will always be able to find something that made the relationship not right for you – if you can’t find a flaw then just the fact that the other person did not feel the same about you is a good enough reason for why they are now your ex and why the relationship wasn’t right. Writing a list of pros and cons against your list of ideal relationship traits can help you to see what you may have been missing in what you thought was your ideal partner.
Find a balance between being social and having alone time – Everyone deals with break-ups differently; some want to be around other people as much as possible to help as a distraction and prevent loneliness, whereas other just want to be left by themselves to grieve and get it out of their system. So many people told me that girls cry first to get it out before moving on, whereas guys play with their newfound freedom and get hit by reality when they can’t play no more – sounds to me like girls get over it faster than guys but of course this isn’t always true. Try not to do either one entirely on its own because this will affect you later on; being alone too much can make you nervous of seeing and meeting new people, and going out and being social all the time can make it difficult to cope during the times that you have no choice but to be alone. If you are lucky like I was, you can get away with doing both at the same time; I stayed at home whilst spending time with my family members, so to me it didn’t feel like I was fully doing either. I took some time out here and there to go out with a friend or to be entirely by myself so that I could get used to doing both things as a single individual – find a balance of distraction and reflection that suits you.
You have no choice – Unless there is a possibility that you and your ex will get back together, you have to remind yourself that you have no choice but to move on; as much as it hurts and is hard to get your head around, you need to remember that life does not stop for you, they have not stopped for you and therefore there is no point in putting your life on hold. It is perfectly understandable that you need to grieve but try to remember, if the other person has not died it means that they are capable of living on without you, and you can live on without them.
Say goodbye to all of the memories – You shared wonderful memories with that person and one day in the future you will be able to look back at them fondly, but right now they are going to hurt so it is best to say goodbye to them. Unless you had a terrible break-up or they cheated on you, try not to go mad and throw everything away that they ever got you or reminds you of them because you might just regret it. Whilst it may seem unnecessary to keep anything since you are no longer with them, they are still mementos of the great times you shared with someone who was once important. I collected everything and put it in a box before putting it in the shed; my room was cleared of the other person’s presence but I’ve still got everything to stumble upon one day.
Say goodbye to them – With all the social media one can access these days, you will have more than one way to come across them; you may get hurt if you see or discover something that you didn’t wish to know about, and the temptation to check what they are up to will haunt you. Unfollow, unsubscribe and unfriend them to prevent this from happening; delete their number and anything else that holds a connection or potential contact between the two of you. I also found it a good idea for sites likes Facebook, to unfollow their friends so that you don’t have any chances of them popping up unexpectedly. Cutting all connections may seem drastic but you can always become friends again in the future, many people who break-up don’t even bother with one another again so it is pointless to keep them; this will help to remove any feelings of holding onto them. Despite saying goodbye to someone, I am very happy that I was met with a new hello.
Talk – No matter how often you cry alone at night or deny your feelings in the presence of others, if there is one thing that is sure to make you feel better, it’s talking. Whether it’s a close friend, family member or someone in a forum who you’ve never seen before, getting it off your chest will be a massive relief; to know that someone else knows what you’re going through and perhaps can even relate, you will be less likely to explode with emotions (especially since this leaves you at risk of exploding at inappropriate times). Other people can console you and offer you advice, and it will also help them to understand how they can help you through this tough time.
Cry if you need to – Even if you vow to never shed another tear for them, cry if you need to; crying is the best form of release no matter how weak it may make you feel, so cry until you are sick of crying. The relief you will feel from pouring out your grief will have you feeling 10x better; you are also likely to go through two other stages straight afterwards – anger, which will have you convincing yourself that you are better off without them for said reasons, and optimism, which will have you feeling more confident that you will be just fine without them and that now you are free of said relationship you can do the things you’ve always wanted to do. There were times in the early weeks when I would cry for half an hour or so and feel so much better afterwards, motivated even, to get on with my life.
Find a distraction – The first time I broke up with that person, I took a week off over stress and spent my days watching K-Dramas and Bubzbeauty vlogs; the second time, I watched the Harry Potter and Narnia film series. During the times that you are by yourself, it’s best to find something to distract yourself with to prevent your mind from wandering into depressing territory; I personally find watching a film set, a tv series or a set of videos to focus on as it doesn’t require much concentration but will really distract your mind. You can pick up any hobby that you like but unless you enjoy it so much that you forget everything and time runs away, you may find yourself easily bored with it and thinking unhelpful thoughts.
Plan ahead – If you were like me and you were with someone for a long period of time then you may have had a future in mind for you both; now that they are not in the picture, you might be feeling a little lost as to what life holds for you. I held back steps in my life like moving out (though thankfully I didn’t move away with them) and going on holiday because I planned to do such things with them, now that they are no longer holding me back I have already decided what I need to do with my life. I know what I need to do to make my chances of getting a decent job higher, I know where I want to move to and who with, and I’m already looking at holidays. Planning your new life not only gives you something to work towards, it will give you something to be excited about and works wonders with helping you move on mentally. If you are not in that position, start planning days out and things you would like to do with your friends, or things that were harder to do when you were in the relationship.
Take time out to love yourself – One of the first thoughts a newly single person will think is ‘how long until I find someone else?’ I’ve seen my friends jump out of one relationship and straight into another, only for that one to fail too; before you even think of looking for someone else, take some time out to love yourself. You may find that you’re lacking in the confidence department after a break-up, especially if you got dumped, so it’s important to remember that you can’t fully love someone else until you love yourself. Take the time to relax, do something you enjoy or have a good bath – seriously I have fallen in love with baths again now that I have much more free time, they are amazing!! I’m working on my body and enjoying my free time to do whatever I want; I’ll be honest that after the break-up my confidence in wearing whatever I wanted dropped drastically when I realised that I had no one to ‘love’ me regardless of how I looked. It’s like one night I suddenly matured and started looking differently at my appearance; things like this will happen to you, so it’s important to take a moment to get your confidence back so that the next person you meet will know you for you straight away.
Try to meet new people in your field of interests – Clubs and bars are not the only place to meet people, nor are they by any means the best; if the party scene isn’t your style, then steer clear of those that do enjoy it and like to go there. Go to places and events that cater specifically to your interests, that way you’ll make friends with people who already share your interests and will make you feel more accepted; having things in common with potential partners is very important so that you can make the most of your time together, so you are more likely to find someone on your level in such places. It may be easier to find someone in a bar or club, but they are also more likely to be easy; there’s no point meeting someone at a club who likes clubbing if you don’t like clubbing.
Accept, forgive, be thankful, forget – Even if you followed all of these steps, you’ll never be able to fully get over a break-up if you don’t accept what is and, more importantly, that it hurt you; if you try to deny your feelings then you are going to end up getting hurt even more. Once you have accepted and started to move on, it is best to let go of any negative feelings and forgive the other person (yes even if they cheated on you); holding resentment for someone that is no longer in your life or means anything to you is pointless, and will only be holding you back. So say ‘I forgive you’ and be thankful for the time that you spent with that person, and the good that you did get from them; without you even realising it, they would’ve taught you much about love, relationships, life and yourself, and you’ll be able to use that knowledge to put yourself in a better place and one day with a better person. Once you have done all that, you will be well on your way to forgetting the pain and eventually, if it is what you wish, forgetting them.
So I hope my story and tips are helpful to anyone going through a break-up; when I researched online about it, I just got listed a bunch of tips but it’s hard to take them seriously when there’s no relatable story behind it. I’m a real person, I’ve been through it and I know what it feels like to be let down; the tips above have not been taken from some website, these are my own personal tips that I used to help me through my break-up. Feel free to leave me a comment below or email me at Kawaii_Kanae@hotmail.co.uk if you would like some help and advice, or just someone to talk to – I’d be happy to help!
I’m sorry that this seems like a depressing post, but it has really helped me to write this out and share it with you guys; only last week did I say goodbye to the final ties that tied me with that other person, so I feel it is now appropriate to post this. I feel much more at peace with it now and I know that I will go on to live a wonderful, happy life and that I’ll meet someone who will be incredible and will want to be mine forever; I hope that the other party also finds someone who will make them incredibly happy.
Until next time~♥