Why always with the lame titles?? I apologise to my readers, haha.
So the topic of love has been resting on my mind a lot lately (actually it’s more like restlessly sleeping and creating a pig-sty up there); a lot has been going on around me that has had me wondering what exactly love is, do I even know what love is myself, and how does one know when they are in love??
Firstly was the final break-up with my ex that I experienced late last year; it hurt enough after the initial break up last May to make me believe that I was in love but once I had got past the grief the first time round, the second time made me realise that I just loved that person as a person. I guess being with someone for 5.6 years of your life will do that, even if they were a complete horror to you then I’m sure that you would still feel some sort of grief at their sudden absence.
Around the same time of May last year (literally within a couple of days of my break-up), my friend was dumped by her boyfriend whom she had been with for around 3-4 years; she was given no real explanation as to why they needed time apart, suddenly out of no where he was struggling with personal issues and the stress of the relationship. Just like my relationship, over a period of time they seemed to be moving back together; I assume that the high of feelings from the absence and all of the past memories can trick people into thinking that they are still in love for a short while, that is until reality sets in that all those feelings are in the past and that Real Time presents a different scenario. Come late October (literally a few days after my break-up again funnily enough), she discovered that her bloke had been seeing some other girl behind her back for the past 3 months or so, and so it ended.
I’ve known a number of people who have cheated and been cheated on, some have been cheated on/cheated multiple times at more than one point in the relationship; I’ll forever wonder how that person could continue a relationship with someone that they know is capable of going behind their back.
That is one situation with regards to love that will forever evade me, how can someone cheat on someone and still claim to be ‘in love’ with the person they cheated on?? Or even if they were technically single and slept with someone else so soon afterwards, go back to their ex and claim to still love them? It baffles me how love works, or at least how people think it works; then there’s me who was never cheated on or who ever cheated, who realised and understood that my relationship was not working and ended it mutually with the other party. Finding someone else was the last thing on my mind even though I realised that I was no longer in love with that person; so how does someone go through with getting with someone else despite believing that they are in love with their ex/current partner? There’s a reason why they cheated/got with someone else so quickly in the first place, so what makes them think that being taken back and forgiven will solve everything and throw them back into the honeymoon period? Their relationship will never be perfect, it will always be hanging around at the back of that person’s mind that their partner cheated on them, their relationship will always be somewhat fake.
Then we come back to me.
I’m terrible when it comes to love because I want more than anything to find someone who will dote on me, think about me and miss me every second that we are apart, who will treat me romantically and stir up feelings every time that we’re together, who will use every chance they get to blow up my phone just to let me know how much I mean to them; such love however is impossible and unrealistic, it does not exist. No one has that much time in their day to devote to someone; I blame all those romance movies that project their unrealistic expectations of love on everyone, clearly the people who create them aren’t satisfied with their own love lives.
I met someone within 2 months after breaking up with my ex (I consider 4 weeks a reasonable time for you to reflect), we spoke non-stop every day for 2 weeks, hung out on a few occasions and developed feelings for each other unknowingly that was seen by everyone else but us. Then the moment came that changed everything, the first kiss; from then on everything went full steam ahead like a dog let off the lead, despite our attempts to ‘take it slow’. If you read my blog then you should know who I’m on about, if not then why are you not reading my blog thoroughly!!?? Go back several posts and start again!! Jk, jk.
As of February 13th (yes because I am not superstitious, in fact Friday 13th always tends to be a good day for me), me and R became official; I freaked out afterwards because it suddenly became quite real (I’m still freaking out) whereas he seemed pretty calm, I guess because we haven’t changed much since this all started. However as we know already he’s in the Air Force, so I was already aware that this relationship was going to have to expect many unexpected bumps and strenuous circumstances to get used to. Considering I was so set against having another relationship so soon, especially one that would be long-distance, you can imagine this came as a shock to me; they always say that you find something when you’re not looking for it, which is exactly what happened.
I love being in a relationship, it’s not that due to being in one since I was 14 that I don’t know how to function without one lol, but just that I enjoy showering someone with love and affection. I’m incredibly scared to be in a relationship again, especially since being diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety caused a large rift in my last relationship, but I’m constantly reminded that you won’t know how great something can be until you try it. I decided that I would rather risk something and get hurt trying than regret never knowing what could have been.
That aside, we are at the height of our ‘honeymoon’ period and yet he’s no where to be found…He’s currently in America for 8 weeks of training; by the time he returns, we would have been together for almost 3 months, 2 of which he hasn’t been around for haha. It’s only a week and a half in and I miss him terribly, I guess because my feelings are on a high at the moment, the negative feelings are also on a high; I know it will only get easier, every day gone is a day closer to him being home.
To be honest, this isn’t what I wanted from a relationship but although I have reached the point of almost backing out at least a few times due to my anxieties, I’m really going to try to see this through; I won’t lie, I’m finding it really hard, it’s like being given some amazing toy to play with for a short while and then someone takes it away from you and says you can’t have it. It’s really confusing, my emotions are all over the place and I’m torn between what I think I’m feeling and what I’m actually feeling – what am I even supposed to be feeling? How is he feeling? Weeks of nothing but FB Messenger makes it a struggle to pick up on any emotion; lately I have been worried that our conversation just sounds like we’re friends again – where has all the excitement and feeling gone?? Does he not feel the same anymore?
It’s even harder since this period is where we are supposed to be figuring each other out, but if we can make it through this then surely we will be fine? Perhaps I am just feeling this way because of the distance and time difference? Oh and the fact that I am not going to truly know the outcome of this relationship test for another 6 weeks, because that’s what it is – a test; am I strong enough for this? If not then as a man in the military, he should probably look for someone who can cope with it all; but then as a man in the military who knows my anxieties, he is still willing to give me a chance, so I should too? Maybe he will come back and want me even more, maybe he will come back and realise that it wasn’t meant to be; as terrifying as that sounds, I can do nothing but stick with it and wait for the verdict, wait until the future reveals to me what is meant to be.
Is that love? I don’t know but I’m guessing its damn close; close enough that despite being hurt and in a situation that you don’t really want to be in, you’re willing to grit your teeth and bear it for the sake of being with that person, to feel their feelings for you when it all comes together, and for their personal happiness too. To sacrifice some of your own happiness for someone else, to believe that they are worth hurting a little for – is that love?
Why the f**k does ‘love’ feel so amazing and yet at the same time kill you inside? Why is it so terrifying? Why does it cause so much anxiety? Why does it make you vulnerable?
Some of you may misread this and think that I am admitting to being in love and that it is far too soon for me to be so; am I in love? No I don’t think so, but I am aware that I feel strongly for this person. This is where it all gets so confusing as some may say I am and others will say I’m not; I’ll be asking myself that question over and over until such time as realisation truly hits and I accept it. I read a quote recently that made me realise that so many things can happen within a day; people are born in a day and they die in a day, so why can’t you fall in love in a day? Especially when you meet someone who you realise can make you feel all of the above in just one day, and so easily too…
Back to the topic of what love is: how do we know we love someone when we miss them? Do we really miss them because we love them or is it just because of attachment that we miss them? But if someone’s absence has an impact on you then doesn’t that mean that you love them in some way?
If someone hurts you and you run back to them, does that mean you love them? Or do you just miss them because they are gone? Maybe you are afraid of being alone and running back to them seems easier than finding someone new to love?
Is love blind or are you just capable of overlooking someone’s flaws because you love them regardless?
The line between true love and thinking you’re in love is so fine, how do you know if you truly love someone or if it is just a habit to love someone? How do you know if you have fallen in love or you just feel incredibly strongly about someone? How do those around me who are struggling with love, know whether they love someone or not? Whether it will work or it won’t?
To be honest, I’m not sure if I have even been in love myself; I think I was capable of loving someone so intensely that it felt like love, but not that I was ever truly in love with them. My first relationship was special because it was my first, but I also think it was child’s play since I was so young; my second went on for 5.6 years but for the majority (4 years or so?) I was incredibly miserable, battling with myself as well as them and struggling to see a future for us both. Maybe I was in love at one point very early on but fell out of it quickly and it turned into habit? I just don’t know.
I guess you’ll only ever know you’re in love when you’re ready, and only you can decide that. When the day comes that you are hit with an intense realisation about how you feel towards your other half then maybe that is what love is; no one can tell you when you are or are not in love with someone except you. I imagine love to be an intense, often overwhelming feeling that you have for someone, where the only doubts are whether or not you are good enough for them and yet able to live without them; that they make you so happy that you light up when you hear their name and you can talk to them for hours on end, where you’ll immediately feel comfortable around them regardless and share a fiery passion with them like you’ve never felt before.
Maybe…I’d like to think that that’s what love feels like.
There are so many questions with regards to love; earlier this week I stumbled upon Naomineo’s blog (listed in the top 50 Singaporean bloggers) and one of her posts talks about love; she actually inspired me to write this one to get it all off of my chest too. One of the things she said was:
“Many of us probably once had that person whom we thought we love, but realised later on that it wasn’t love when someone new came along. The cycle can go on and on, getting hurt, moving along… So how does one ever know who’s the right one?”
Hard to think that this time last year I was looking at my ex with feelings of being in love with him (okay maybe we should go back even 6 months before this time last year as it wasn’t looking great then either lol); then suddenly R comes in and sweeps me off my feet. I guess to answer that question is – When you no longer have to move along. Please let third time be the charm.
Anyway, I have really rambled in this post but it’s just been bothering me for a while and it seemed appropriate to write it when I came across Naomineo’s blog (which btw you can check out here – http://naomineo.com/ ); all these love issues that are surrounding me as well as finding my way in my own relationship have become a bit overwhelming, and from past experiences as well you start to wonder what love really is and whether or not you’ll be one of the lucky ones to seize it and remain holding onto it.
As for myself, only time will tell; I’m unbelievably fond of said person at the moment but only time spent together will determine whether or not we’re a good match. It’s one of the reasons why I worry over the long periods that we spend apart from each other; will the feelings hold out or will he return to me bearing bad news? Is my absence in his life as strong as my presence? How are we capable of truly getting to know one another when we spend so much of the time apart, and then what happens if we are given the opportunity to spend a long period of time together for us only to discover that it isn’t right?
So many ‘what if’s’, a term that has the power to haunt and potentially destroy you; right now, all I know is that I have found someone who makes me smile, who gives me the butterflies just when I think of him, who makes me laugh so much that I will laugh just as much weeks on when I remember that memory and why it was so funny, who’s presence makes me feel like we have been together far longer than we actually have.
I wouldn’t want to bother him but if I could, I’d tell him so often of how much I think about him and the times that I miss him, and just in general how happy he has made me. It could last forever but then again it might not, but I’m going to clutch the courage I have to see it through because I’d rather lose knowing what something was than live not knowing what could’ve been.
What is love? Only time will tell…What do you think?