I’m feeling pretty shit right now both emotionally and physically, and so really I just felt like getting this off my chest in the hope that it will make me feel somewhat better because I don’t actually feel like talking to someone directly about it.
So I’ve been hit pretty hard with the holiday blues, mostly because R is due to return back to work. We spent about 4-5 weeks together solidly glued to the hip and it was lovely, it was exactly what I wanted from a relationship; to wake up together, get ready together, go to work, be picked up after work, have dinner together, chill together, get ready for bed together and then sleep together, ready for it all to start again the next day. I have been so unbelievably happy, and we have been able to spend some real quality time together and get to know each other better. Thankfully we still work together really well and rarely get grumpy with one another (usually me and it doesn’t last longer than an hour most), so that was nice to know; we discovered more about each other and got more comfortable around each other, I finally feel like we really click now not just as a couple but as best friends too.
But ofc it doesn’t last does it…Although I was aware that he would have to go back, I was still too hyped up and happy to think about it. It came round a lot faster than I wanted it to and now I’m brimming with negative emotion and separation anxiety, I mean what exactly are you supposed to do with yourself when your best friend who you’ve spent every single day with (okay bar a couple of nights and a day) suddenly leaves and you won’t be seeing them for at least 3 weeks?? I’ve gone from being incredibly sociable to incredibly unsociable in a matter of hours, and even worse is my dad is working evenings this week which means that there will be no one at home when I return from work.
I feel like I’ve lost a limb; R is very important to me and tbh I think he probably feels the same too, quite lonely and misses me, though he’ll probably feel it more later on as men tend to. Unfortunately he was struck with an illness, a virus in fact, which is currently keeping him homebound until it has cleared up; he has been very unwell over the weekend and I forbade him to drive in the condition he was in. Thankfully he got to see a doctor who could diagnose his illness and hopefully he’ll start feeling better soon that he can go back. I say hopefully because despite deep inside I don’t want him to go anywhere, I can’t actually see him right now anyway because 1) he’s contagious, 2) he can’t drive me home so no transport means I can’t see him, and 3) it would probably do us both good to not see each other for a while so that we can both get back into the mind frame of being independent and not seeing each other; ofc I want to see him more than anything but I have already had my ‘grieving’ moment when he left my house yesterday, and I really don’t want to set myself up for that again because right now I feel awful with my anxiety through the roof, a headache and nausea. I don’t think I’ve got the virus but it is possible, hopefully I’ve had the virus already as I had a mystery illness on Christmas. If he ends up staying until the weekend then ofc I’ll see him, but ideally I need to mentally prepare myself right now for not seeing him on a regular basis.
It won’t be too long until he is back though, he’ll be around within the next 3 weeks or so because I’m pretty certain his sister is returning from Canada to sort out work and see family at the end of January, and he’ll be returning then to see her. I’m not looking forward to what comes afterwards though, which is him being sent to America for work in February; he’ll only be gone for 5 weeks but even worse is he jets off just a few days before our 1st anniversary and Valentines day, so he misses that too, ugh February is so going to suck…
I’m sure I’ll be alright by the end of the week, at least a little more emotionally stable that I can get on with things but it is just going to take a few days to get used to being by myself again. It really sucks when you realise that what you had and enjoyed isn’t the normal, and reality hits you hard and you realise that this is what your life is actually like, that before you were just ‘on holiday’ or something. I guess it just hurts a little more this time because after 11 months of being together, those weeks were the most we have EVER spent in each other’s company.
Right now I am struggling to find any positivity or motivation, I have a lot of things that I need to get onto doing but I’m too busy moping and feeling like crap; fingers crossed I don’t have that virus but my head is feeling a little stuffy right now and I’m bloody exhausted, but I am going to put that down to my anxiety being up in the air right now.
Give it to the end of the week and I’m sure I’ll be fine, and if I don’t pick up a positive mood then all the things I don’t like doing such as work and being alone, are sure to drag. Just got to keep myself occupied I guess, keep myself busy and prevent my mind from wandering into dangerous territory; you’ll be seeing a lot more blog posts from me so I hope you’ll stick around. Sorry for the depressing post, I just really needed to write this down somewhere as apparently writing out your thoughts helps you to make better sense of them and I can re-read this when I am having a down day. This part of the year is always very boring for me when life goes back to normal and there are no more exciting events or long weekends off, but it feels just that little harder when R returns and we’re separated. Distance is hard but I am more determined that this year we won’t feel the distance half as bad as last year, and we have the experience of being apart already so it should be a little easier to deal with this time round. Gotta look forward to the positive things I have planned for this year, even if they are not set in stone and I don’t know what is to come!